V's World: June 2011

"...At one reading, the other students, who were all white, the teacher , and I sat in a circle. Mr. Wilkerson asked me to read a section, which ended with the words "God loves me." I read the piece and closed the book. the teacher said, "read it again." I pointedly opened the book and a bit sarcastically read, "God loves me." Mr. Wilkerson said, "Again." I wondered if I was being set up to be laughed at by the professional, older, all white company? After about the seventh repetition I becamenervous and thoughtthat there might be a little truth in the statement. There was a possibility that God really did love me, Maya Angelou. I suddenly began to cry at the gravity and grandeur of it all. I knew that if God loved me, then I could do wonderful things. I could try great things, learn anything, achieve anything. For what could stand against me, since one person, with God, constitutes the majority?..."

Wouldn't it be great if we all learned this as children instead of useless tales, racism, hatred and bad habits. Imagine the possibilities.

I am sitting here alone. Alone in this two story two bed and bathroom townhouse. I am sitting in the epitome of paradise- the Bahamas. I came here not to frolick the beautiful beaches or attend wild parties instead I came here on a search, recovery, and rescue mission.
Let me take a moment to explain the journey and events which have brought me to this place, and what I hope to leave with.
On January 4, 2010 I woke to a beautiful day, 3 days earlier I boldly declared that great things were going to happen that year and I anxiously awaited them. Work was chaotic, stressful, and just bad on all levels- I felt like David fighting Goliath. But at home and school all was good- I wasn't wealthy or married but I was happy, healthy and surrounded by family; and love was on the horizon.
I chose to begin with this day January 4th because with it comes many special memories of a special person-and this was the day she was born. That day couldn't have been better I remember like it was yesterday. It was Momma's 52nd birthday, we met and went to the Olive Garden in Stonestown for lunch. Since I hadn't seen her for the holidays which she didn't celebrate because she's Buddhist; I gave her her gift then, for weeks maybe months she had been rambling on and on about a rice cooker that cooks brown rice. So there I sat watching her open her gift to reveal the rice maker-much to my disappointment she told me that she had already purchased one for herself. I can't lie I was disappointed, I told her to keep the gift and return for a store credit to get something she wanted. I began telling her a story that required my reenacting the events to get the point across, the result was my kicking my purse across the room onto the floor in the middle of the restaurant during the lunchtime rush. We both laughed hysterically. I ordered my usual fettuccine alfredo with chicken and momma wanted something with seafood- she was hesitant because it was expensive- I reminded her it was her birthday and ordered her to get what she wanted. As lunch ended and the day moved on we strolled around the mall for a bit we came across a booth that sold pretty necklaces that resembled glass seashells; the birthday girl picked hers a brown and gold one. It was now too late to take in the planned movie because I had to get to school; but it was okay because we were meeting up in a few days for lunch and a movie for my grandmothers birthday.
The day of Ganny's movie and lunch came we went to see invictus with Morgan Freeman-with whom my mother was in love with, I've never seen a woman observe a man so closely. It was momma who noticed the partial paralysis in his hand which was the result of an accident that he'd had the year before I believe. Lunch was at Chevys with Marg, AJ, the boys, and Kathie.
This day was about as good as good days could get.
I write this to give the reader insight but most importantly to preserve the memory.
In March I received a text message from Momma.
Some people think text messaging is impersonal, but when your busy and don't have time for long phone calls texting is essential; although she is avid talker Momma and I both wholeheartedly supported the text messaging industry.
In that message Momma told me she had been riding her bike around when she discovered a part of town she had never seen before. She was so busy taking in everything around her she ran into a car and fell off her bike injuring her ankle. There was no sense of urgency in her message as a matter of fact she got back on the bike and rode it home. I called her so that she could verbally tell me what happened convinced I hadn't read the message correctly- she replied "I broke my ankle" and continued to tell me what happened I offered to bring my crutches from when I broke a bone in my foot the year before. Momma is the strongest woman I know and she convinced me that it wasn't really broken but probably just a bad sprain, and she was soaking it. The next day it had worsened and she sent me pictures of her swollen, discolored foot; still convinced it was just a sprain. I managed to nag her about going to the emergency room until she finally gave in and found a ride. Mother and Pappy-the parents of her late husband Paul. I hurriedly made my way across the bay to met them at the er by the time I arrived she had been examined, xray'd, diagnosed with a broken ankle and discharged. Together we went to walgreens to fill her prescription-she hated those crutches, they were in her way. In walgreens something happened that will away haunt me. The pharmacy tech needed mommas address; she had moved there the previous October I never thought to look at the address because I knew how to get there. Momma didn't want anyone to know her physical address either she always gave the PO box address. This day was no different after watching Momma throw up and series of fingers; the pharmacy tech asked me about the PO box which I knew (since Momma had gotten that box when I was little). The PO box satisfied her request and she handed over the meds.
It is my theory that if it slows you down then you probably down need them.
Over the next couple of weeks I was able to get off work early and visit her again to drop off somethings she needed.
I was suppose to stop by again on the first weekend of April but pushed it back til that Monday.
That Friday, Momma texted me her usual good morning text. And a picture of her getting ready for her doctors appointment. That day was a busy day for her there was the appointment which she missed, she had to pay the rent, get groceries, stop by the bank and pay some bills-all on those darn crutches. That evening when she got home she fell trying to hop into the house on those darn crutches. I wasn't too alarmed because Momma was the strongest woman I knew.
I write this to show how quickly things change and to preserve this memory in my sometime weak and cloudy mind.
After hearing of the fall I told Momma she needed to slow down and relax- ice and elevate the ankle and stay off it. She agreed and promised to comply. I often question this advice.
Saturday I went to dinner and a movie with friends we saw Tyler Perry's Why did I get married too. It was good, but shocking and sad. I couldn't wait to tell Momma about it.
Sunday I got my good morning text from Momma, I forgot to tell her about the movie the day was spent being lazy laying around the house listening to music. The day passed next thing I remember is the phone ringing it was Marg-panic in her voice requesting Momma's address. I sleepily explained that I never had it because she always used the PO box. And inquired why she was asking. She told me that Ganny was on the phone with Momma she said she was having trouble breathing and the call got disconnected and there was no answer.
I was now fully awake and alert but calm and sure that everything would be fine because Momma was the strongest woman I knew.
I attempted to call both the house and cellphone no answer. I then called my brother to go over and check on Momma explaining what had happened and to call me when he got there. He had a friend take him over and called to tell me there was no response in the house. Nervous at this point I told him to call the police.
Their response was to sit in the car and watch my brother and his friend try to break into the house because for some reason they couldn't do anything but the fire department was on the way.
Frantic and enraged at the response. Minutes seemed like hours. Up until this time I'd always had some form of respect for law enforcement always willing to give them the benefit of doubt. But to sit in a car and watch while my Mother parished inside that house alone, has drastically changed my opinion. Especially in regards to this particular department.
The fire department arrived and got the house open my brother rushed through the house calling out my Momma's name with me on the phone- we both heard no response. Part of me already knew, but someone needed to tell me.
I knew when he found her I heard him cry out Mommie.
I heard people moving him out of the way so they could help her the phone went dead. They were unable to help her because help had sat in the car watching my brother and his friends trying to get in.
The confirmation came rather abruptly until then no one had actually said it. She took the phone from my brother and introduced herself (a name that I can't remember)she asked me Momma's birthday (my mind whirling by now I gave the wrong date) my brother made the correction. She asked the last time anyone has spoken to Momma I told her. She said that it seems like it all happened fast and that their probably wasn't anything anyone could have done; she made the time I gave her the official time of death.
I'm not sure if her words were meant to be comforting or soothing but they came across empty and routine. In a world that denies it is divided by color (but is just ask any person of color and they will tell you) I wonder if help had been a little quicker to respond and her tone a bit more compassionate had the house been located in another neighborhood, had our skin been alittle paler.
Officer Help and his partner promised to stay with my brother until I arrived- I heard the guilt in his voice. He sat there and watched.
Next I called my baby brother I couldn't bring myself to say the words just that something terrible happened to Mommie and he needed to go to her house now. Confused he called our brother and found out.
From that moment on that night I lost my myself and mind. I've been walking in darkness with my eyes wide open on a clear day.
When I arrived Officer Help and his partner greeted me; I could see it in their faces and I know they could see it in mine. They sat there and watched.
Much more helpful by now they offered to stay until I can't remember when because it wasn't a "safe" neighborhood. He explained the activities of the drug house around the corner as I sat beside Momma's cold body holding her hand.
I chanted for her with her beads so that she could begin her journey. I don't know if that was right or necessary but it's what I did.
In the days that followed I was forced to choke that story out between tears until I just decided that I couldn't anymore. I stopped talking unless it was necessary no phone calls no texts. Jacob threw himself into work until they found out what happened. I think in alot of ways he was the quintessential baby and all of this was just too much for him so Will and I made the arrangements with the help of Beth.
To say I was disappointed by how little of my family showed up for the services would be an understatement. These are people Momma grew up with, they played together.
There has a family rift that has divided the family for too many years the sad thing is no one can explain why or what the rift was about and no one wants to left it go. So it continues.
I am eternally grateful for the family and friends that did come; but most importantly I cherish the ones who have remained by my side.
The ones that reached out and grabbed me when I felt like I was drowning and held on.
The ones that held me up and supported me when I was too weak to support myself.
The ones that prayed for me when I lost faith and couldn't.
One of those people was my cousin Rose L. Matthews- where this woman found hr strength I don't know. In the midst of battling two types of cancer she found a way to be there for me in my darkest days. Her words, her heart, and her strength will forever be in my heart.
Last month my sweet cousin went to hang out with my mom.
So once again I'm alone.
Two of my best friends are gone and I cherish the ones that remain. It's times like these that you discover who your true friends are.
I thank God for you.
Its been a year two months and 22 days since she left me.
I have never felt so alone and lost in all of my days.
So I sit here alone trying find that strong independent woman that my Momma raised, when I find her I want to rescue and embrace her and welcome her back to the world she left.

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Leave me ALONE

Momma

Search, Recovery, Rescue Mission

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